I once stopped a suicide bomber by giving him a hug. He deactivated the bomb and told me he was going to pursue his one true love of painting. I was the juror who convinced eleven people that OJ was innocent. I am the Barry Bonds of kickball. Not because of my homeruns but because I used PEDs. I once kissed a girl so perfectly she fainted. While she was unconscious I touched her boobs. I am the Dalai Lama’s life coach. I have never once over-cooked pasta. Before he died, Allen Ginsberg said I was his favorite poet even though I have never written a poem. I blame the sinking of the Titanic on climate change. I have extinguished forest fires with the wetness of my girlfriends. I taught Hunter S. Thompson Gonzo Journalism. I became an ordained minister and presided over the first gay marriage in the United States. I married a man named Adam to a man named Steve just to prove millions of bumper stickers wrong. This is the beginning of my inner monologue.
I can tell time down to the second by the sun’s position. At night I use my watch. I once trained a dog to write a novel. She wrote a squeal to Mein Kampf. I was just as surprised as everyone else to learn she was a fascist. When I chew gum it never loses flavor. I took ballet as a young boy. My instructor saw me dance for the first time and wept because she had finally witnessed perfection. I was potty-trained at two months. At one month I changed my own diaper. When I wake up my hair is perfect. My dreams have been made into major motion pictures. I am the only person in history to have never lied. When I tell a lie they become truth. I literally contributed to changing the definition to the word literally. Every time I am convicted of a crime I pardon myself and am set free. I am a Phoenix that never needed to rise. I am a god who never needed a resurrection. No Judas has ever denied me but then again I have found little use for disciples. I have given a thought-provoking answer to every rhetorical question I’ve been asked. This has reduced the frequency in which I am asked rhetorical questions.
I was twenty-two the first time I saw a plane crash into a building. I have read to orphans only because I like the sound of my own voice. I have broken bread only to put it back together again. I swam from Florida to Cuba without getting wet. While there, I got drunk with Castro. By the third drink I converted him to capitalism. By the fifth drink he converted me to communism. By the seventh drink his armed guards chased me into the ocean. I have been gluten free since December, 7th 1941. I protested every war only to fight during peace time. My struggles are always in vain because in the end my vanity always wins. There are secrets I protect so well I have forgotten them. Weddings and funerals feel the same to me, not because I am pro death or anti marriage. They feel the same because decorum insists I dress up. I have never once broken a yoke when poaching eggs. I can eat ice cream as fast as I want without getting brain-freeze. I was twenty-two the second time I saw a plane crash into a building.
When I get heartburn I set off smoke detectors. I have been found not guilty for every murder I’ve committed. When I digress I make progress. My progress is just a regression to the mean. On a bell curve I fall to the extremes and this is how I maintain balance. You can’t see me because I am always at least one-hundred standard deviations away. I am exponentially linear and geometrically shapeless. Though I have definitive spatial values all the integers that make up me are imaginary numbers transcribed secondhand by Lit majors listening to Indy-Rock. There are eleven dimensions and I have visited none of them. Time may stop for no man but only about half the population are men. And this is why movies show beautiful women in slow motion. It’s just another way of telling ugly people they aren’t good enough.
My father thought only pussies needed praise. He was right. And now I am confronted by the facts all children of shitty parents must confront. Everything that is wrong with me is their fault. So is everything that is right. Me being unable to fix it isn’t. But, I have stood in the sun for 47 consecutive hours without getting burned. I have saved drowning fish and hand-fed the flesh of poachers to wild lions. I could read Sanskrit, though I am dyslexic, even before I knew what Sanskrit was. And my prayers are still answered at a statistical rate that implies prayer answering is completely random. I was born in 1979. This was also the year when the United States had its first documented case of a robot killing a human. I do not think these events are a coincidence. My father never gave praise to the robot, either.
By the age of twenty I had already saved more lives than the Spanish Flu had taken. I was the first person to say Bo knows. I can construct mansions out of Legos. My friend Emma and I were hired to restore the Sistine Chapel. We had the bold notion we could do it with nothing but magic markers. And perhaps we could have but we spent our days and nights atop the scaffolding drawing on each other’s naked bodies until the marker ink had become so ingrained in our skin the colors were permanent. One night, after making love she touched my face and looked into my eyes. The luminescence of Michael Angelo radiated the rich purples and blues scribbled upon her chest, pure silence, like what you’d imagine death to sound like. The reds and yellows on my arms jutted out of me as if they were instantly forming mountains made up of only primary colors. Finally she spoke, bravely breaking a silence that seemed infinite, “there is something you need to know about me. It’s something I have kept from you and the rest of the world. I’m not proud of what I’ve done and I am willing to accept the consequences. But it was me. It was me who deflated Tom Brady’s footballs.”
I was a head hunter on the island of Borneo. I once dropped acid with Salvador Dali. I referred to his artwork as quaint, the kind of stuff that ends up on tee-shirts or posters with inspirational quotes on them. I cut my teeth as a con man but only ever really conned myself. My insomnia is incessant. Rabbits learned to screw from me. I am what’s in the briefcase from Pulp Fiction. I have passed every Rorschach Test I’ve ever taken. I am the terrorist who shot down Brian Williams’s helicopter. I am the only man alive who understands credit default swaps. I know where Eric Snowden is hiding. A genie rubbed me and I gave him three wishes. The first thing he wished for was infinite wishes. I am either always lying or always telling the truth. Your guess is as good as mine as to which I am doing. I’m so environmentally conscious, I only exhale oxygen. Words come out of my mouth as if they were written by Aaron Sorkin. I reject everyone who wanted to love me on principal alone even though I have no idea what that principal is. And this is why I am lonely. This is why I have convinced myself loneliness is a principal part of life. I am the kind of man who would die for his principals if I actually had any. My bowel movements occur the same time each day.