I know every day you wake up. Most days it doesn’t seem like an extraordinary achievement to get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed, and move on with your day. But even with you doubting the extent that I know you, there are some things that I just know. Nothing comes easy for you. You have to work, fight, scratch, and claw your way just to survive. And there are moments when you feel all that pressure building up inside you, when you’re alone, and you feel yourself wanting to hurt, wanting to cry. But you fight back against that self-pity, because as good as it might feel to just let go and unburden yourself of all that weight, you don’t have even a second to waste. You need to get out ahead of traffic. You need to get your oil changed on the way home. You need to get to the bank on your lunch break.
And that’s just the daily pressure you feel. That doesn’t even account for the underlying pressure that is always there. The memories of someone you love betraying you. On loop in your head, even if you don’t realize it, are all the memories of kids laughing at you on the playground, felling fat and disgusting, seeing yourself as a gross unlovable monster. Even though there are days, where you are imbued with confidence that seems to come out of nowhere, there are days where you are crushed under self-doubt and insecurity. And going one level deeper underneath all of that weight exists this simple idea. Who you are, and what you are, is invisible to almost everyone, including you. Most your life you put on different faces, not because you’re fake, or inauthentic. You put on these faces because every day is a fucking war, and being invisible is the surest way to survive.
But that’s a lonely existence. Is it not? I know it is for me. I put on all these different faces for different people, and at the end of the day no one knows me. I don’t even know myself. But I examine you far more closely. I feel compelled to look deeper, to see everything, to see all of you. Notice the way I watch you, the way I won’t accept cookie-cutter answers to complex questions. See me seeing you for who you are at your core. Imagine being alone with me in dark room and letting go, letting go completely – no walls, no masks, no facade – just you and my voice in your ear. Can you see it? Can you feel your walls, constructed with bricks and mortar, turning into crumbling dust? Take deep breaths. Every time you inhale picture the air coming into your mouth as a bright white light. Every time you exhale imagine the air coming out of you is a dark gray-black smoke. Inhale everything positive and exhale everything negative. Imagine my voice is saying these words to you, and just let go. You deserve to let go and relax, and to be at ease. You deserve to be completely comfortable.
Picture yourself laying naked in your bed, with your hands by your side, alone in the dark – just you and my words. Make it so real that you can even smell my cologne. You can smell the freshly washed sheets. Imagine tasting me on your tongue. That’s how close I am to you right now. Let me in closer. Let me all the way in. There’s no reason to fight back. That’s what you do all day long, from the moment you wake up, until the moment you fall asleep. Right now is something different. Right now you are free to be you and nothing else.
I want to touch you. I want to feel the backs of my fingers brushing your hair off your face. Even though I’m not actually there with you right now, can you feel my fingers running along your cheek? Imagine how it feels, me touching you like you are indescribably beautiful, like you are the only other person on the planet who exists to me. Keep breathing in the good and exhaling the bad. The more good you take in and the more bad you expel, the more I want to touch you. That’s all I am asking. I don’t ask for much. Just let go and give me everything I want. Fell my fingers sliding down along your neck to your collarbone. Notice how your body rises off your bed to meet my touch, to meet my words. You see it now, don’t you? There’s no difference between my hands on your skin and my words in your ear. They’re the same.
The more you let go, the more I claim. Every inch of you I touch, I make mine. My fingers slide down along your arm to your fingertips, and maybe I’m greedy, wanting all of you, but I can’t be blamed. Can I? I see past all your walls, all your masks, and the real you is the thing I want most. Give me what I want because that is what you want, isn’t it? Can you imagine being touched by someone who saw every part of you, and accepted them all? Well that’s what’s happening right now. I accept you and my words are touching you. Feel them sliding back up along your arm and crisscrossing over your breasts, circling around and around your nipples. Feel you skin raising up to meet my touch. Feel yourself letting go, inhaling the good, exhaling the bad. You’re mine. You can’t fight it now. You feel yourself slipping deeper into me and it doesn’t scare you. It usually would. But not this time. This time you feel warm, safe, and secure.
You know by now I’m not going to stop. I want the rest of you. And so my hand moves lower, across your stomach and down your legs, all the way to your knee. Back up to your stomach and then back down to your knee. Feel your body shifting to meet my hand, trying to coax my words between your legs. We both know it’s going to happen. But it’s just a question of when. Feel the control I have over every inch of you, teasing you, inching closer and closer, but never stopping on the place you’re so desperate for my touch. I promise you, it will happen. Maybe it won’t happen as soon as you’d like. But it will. Inhale the light. Exhale the dark. Are you ready to let go? Are you ready to give me everything? Say the word, “Yes.” Are you ready? “Yes.” Louder. Give it to me. Make me believe you. Are you ready? “YES I AM. I’M READY TO LET GO!”
And with that imagine my middle finger sliding between your lips, parting them, and then sliding into you up to my first knuckle. You feel so warm and wet and tight. You feel like you’re mine. Believe me I want to be deeper inside of you. I want all of you. But not yet. I’m going to tease you just a little more, sliding the tip of my finger in and out, feeling your body trying to push up into my words. That’s it. You are such a good girl. You deserve to feel wanted, appreciated and loved. Let me have more of you. Let me have all of you. Feel my finger push deeper. Feel your body pushing up into me. That’s it. You’re mine.
Now that my fingers are coated in your juices and my words have covered over you, making you feel so safe and secure, are you ready to let go? “Yes!” Are you ready to belong to me, your mind and body together? “YES!”
Good. Then feel my fingers sliding up to your clit, moving around in a soft slow circle. Feel my lips in your ear, kissing you, whispering to you. “You feel so fucking amazing right now. Fuck, you’re so perfect. I love feeling like you belong to me. I love feeling like you’re letting go and giving me all of you. It’s all I want. Give me more. Even if you have nothing left to give, I still want more. I’m addicted to you. Can you blame me? Why wouldn’t I be?”
Around and around your clit in soft slow circles, it’s like my hand and my words are controlling your hips, controlling your whole body, controlling your mind. Breathe in the light and exhale the dark. Feel my fingers picking up speed. My lips kissing you and my words in your ear. “Fuck, baby. I can feel all this energy in you. I can feel it building up. Your body’s starting to shake. And it’s OK. You’re safe with me. You’re mine, and I promise I won’t hurt you.” Your pussy’s so wet. I can feel your juices gushing out. And still I want more. I can feel your body raising off the bed. And I want more. I want to lift you higher. Your back is arched and my words are running back and forth so fast over your clit. “Give me what I want, baby. Let go. It is time for you to just fucking let go.”
It’s OK to scream. Let it out. Scream out inside your head, if you have to. Release the energy that has been built up. Suck in all the air around us. Suck in all the light. Scream, and let go. Feel my hand shooting back and forth over your clit. “You’re mine. You’ll always be mine. Now give it to me.”
Your body is shaking and trembling, squirming in your bed. You’re lying there, alone, but it feels like I’m right there with you, touching you, fucking you, owning every inch of you. Cum for me. Give it all for me. No more holding back. It’s time for who you are and who you need to be to merge. I want to see all of it. Don’t shy away. Give it to me. Give it all to me. You’re mine. Feel every sensor in your body tingle, and then go numb, tingle and go numb, in rapid succession over and over again, like I’m flipping a switch in your clit at the speed of light. Your hips are grinding against my words. That’s it. I want it all. Cum again. And again. And again. They’re all mine. All your orgasms are mine, now.
When it’s over, I won’t leave you. Take deep breaths as you return back to normal. Did you hear what I said? I said turn back to normal. I didn’t say turn back to the way you were. As the life comes back into you, feel lighter, feel unburdened. You’ve exhaled so much anxiety and tension and now it is all out of you. You’re so warm, safe, and secure, you can barely keep your eyes open. It’s ok. This is how I want you to feel. I’m still here with you. My words are still cuddled up next to you, so curl up in your bed and let them echo inside your mind. Drift away and dream, sweet dreams. And above all else, remember: You are safe. You are loved. And above all else, you are mine.