Are you nothing? I wonder, standing over your curled up naked body. You’re trembling so hard the floorboards vibrate against the soles of my feet. If I’m being honest, what I feel makes no sense. I want to spit on you, and I want to hold you. I want to love you, and I want destroy everything that remains. How can both these feelings be true?
Kneeling beside you I run my fingers up the back of your leg. Your first instinct is to try and squirm across the floor, but you catch yourself; then push back into my hand. And I glide my fingers along old bruises, layered with newer ones, covered in red. I whisper, “It’s all over, now.”
This is where love and violence meet. This is where safety and chaos become one. I swear if I could, I would pull you into me. You gave me your all, and in return I gave you the same. Now, what’s left is confusion and certainty. Don’t you get it? It’s a tornado on a cloudless day. It’s screaming at the top of my lungs so I can have just one, fucking, moment, of silence. Cry, and I’ll hold you tight. Fear me, and I’ll never give you a reason to hide. Love me, and I will always be the first to hurt you.
I wonder if humans were meant to have complex thoughts. At the end of the day, we devolve to this primal state, but who the fuck knows? Sometimes, I feel like we’re lying to ourselves. Sometimes, I feel like we come to a new understanding. But the truth might be nowhere in between, and we’re just two people praying to the Gods for rain. We’re tossing virgins into a volcano. We’re consuming the Body of Christ, and asking for forgiveness, when no one cares what we’ve done.
If all that’s true, I have nothing to offer you. I’ve tricked you into thinking I do. But then you’d have nothing to offer me. And I will have tricked myself into thinking otherwise. Right now, with you crying in my arms, I can’t have that be reality. I need this to mean something. So, I will hold you until my muscles cramp. I will kiss your tears as they stream down your face. I will stay here with you until the sun has risen and set over and over, and we both become delirious from lack of sleep. Whatever it takes, as long as it takes, whether it’s real or fake, whether it lasts or it’s fleeting, whether it is love, or violence, or both, we will find peace together.